We have entered the fourth quarter here at Collier Elementary School. The weather has turned warm. Today's high is supposed to reach 90. The pool looks more and more appealing every day. I feel that I, along with my students, have a little case of spring fever. This is balanced, to a certain degree, with a sense of urgency and possibility regarding what my students have left to learn this year. Some of the writing skills that we have been working on all year are finally starting to show up in their products. It is extremely exciting whenever I realize that maybe, just maybe, my students are learning something from me. Those moments of excitement are tempered by those of panic when I realize how close we are to the end of the year and how far it feels that we still have to go.
Today a student asked me "what is a conclusion?" While this question at this point in the year hurt me to my very core, I was saved from falling into the depths of despair by the student sitting next to him who looked at him with disbelief and said "are you serious? this is what we've been doing, like, the entire year." The student went on the explain to the other student what a conclusion is.
After seeking the advice of the school counselor, I believe I am finally getting an idea of how to handle oppressive statements that I overhear my students making. During my last class today one of my spaciest, yet favorite, students stated to the person next to him "whoever made that must be gay." He was referring to a little paper folded hat that was found in the classroom. I called my student over to my desk and gently, quietly asked him what he had just said. I prompted him by restating the beginning of his sentence. He looked at me and repeated what he had said. I explained to him that some of the people that I love are gay and that they have been teased by people calling them gay and that it isn't a word that should just be thrown around all the time. I asked him if the paper hat had anything to do with whether boys liked boys and girls liked girls or girls liked boys and boys liked girls. I then explained that there really is no reason to use that word in that context and that there were many other words that could be used that would be hurtful to no one. I told him I understood that it was common for students to throw the word "gay" around in contexts where it can be hurtful, but that because I know he is not a hurtful, mean person, I would expect that he would try to find other words to use. I asked him to come up with a word that he could have used instead. I told him to stay int he chair next to me while he thought about it, and after he had come up with one he could tell me and then go back to his chair.
This approach seemed much more appropriate and constructive than my angry, punitive approach. I KNOW that hurtful language has no place in a classroom, but it is challenging to determine one's response. I want students to truly understand WHY and HOW language can be hurtful. I found that when I was punitive students simply got defensive and shut down. They never understood what I was talking about, they only understood that saying this certain word is "bad." Which is not at all what I was looking for.
I think that as I continue I will find more, effective, sensitive, constructive ways to handle words that stem from and lead to hate, and I also know that I will probably botch some situations.
Apart from this particular topic, I feel that I am beginning to figure out my "teacher self," or at least determine what I want my teacher self to be. This week I had a realization that I stress out way too easily...I didn't even realize that when my classroom was not running the way that I want it to, that I physically, mentally, and emotionally, take on a huge amount of anxiety. I believe that something has clicked where I have finally seen another way to be. To realize that what is happening is, in fact, happening, and that sometimes when dealing with children, things do not go as planned. I need to learn how to be stern and strict and to show my kids that i am not pleased without actually taking that on myself. I also just realized that I completely base my self worth and sense of success on how my classroom runs...and therefore I am ultimately motivated by
myself and my own need to feel good about myself, rather than my students. In reflecting I realize that I need to get back to my students and their needs in order to be the most effective instructor I can be.
Phew. I have written a lot. It is crazy how just writing this down can help me reflect and make my realizations more concrete. I have been starting to journal again, but that tends to be of a more personal nature. When I sit down and deeply reflect on my practice as a teacher, I believe it helps me to feel centered and focused. This leads me to feel more purposeful and powerful to improve myself and be more successful. There is also something about reflection that can lead me to have more patience. I have to tell you, there are so many times during each day that I lose patience with my students. Sometimes it is important for them to realize that they are being ridiculous and causing me to lose my patience, but other times I have to recognize that situations would be handled better with an extra tablespoon of patience.
It is Wednesday afternoon and my students have been gone for two hours. I am still in my classroom. I intended to sit and grade papers and give students feedback on their writing. I believe that I must spend a little more time doing this. I have been pushing my high class to write more and to take some writing home as homework. I think this is good for them and makes my class more rigorous. The downside to having students write more is that in order for it to be purposeful, you really should give them timely feedback on their writing. SO I suppose I will spend another little while reading student work. To tell you the truth, I really do like reading their writing. It can be pretty entertaining.
If you made it this far I am pretty impressed and perhaps a little apologetic that I rambled so much. Send me prayers, positive thoughts, good luck, whatever the case may be, for more patience and dedication for my students as we finish out the last 8 weeks of school.
